Thursday, July 19, 2012

Farewells of All Sorts

Get ready for a quick post that probably won't make much sense grammatically and transitionally.

It's been a LONG day.  I've only been here for about 2 1/2 weeks, which isn't much, but the transition into my new life is starting and I haven't been handling it as well as I'd like to.

I think I spent most of today crying.  COULD NOT CONTROL IT.  I looked at someone, and cried.  I ate Chinese food, and cried.  I thought of home, and cried.  It was bad.  And that's not how I usually am so I hated it.

Today was our farewell day w/ the kids and this year has been a different one for me.  Leading the camp makes everything different than teaching the camp.  You aren't as connected w/ the kids and the relationships that are going on.  You can be, it's just much harder and you have to be extremely intentional about it... which I have not been.  When I'm struggling w/ something I kind of go into my own little world.  I back away from everything because that's my way of holding it in.  If I get too attached it adds more emotions and I can't handle that right now.  So I spent a lot of the day w/ the L's having talks w/ J and my family about the logistics of the next few weeks, booking flights (I'll explain later), and figuring out new ways of communicating once my parents and sister get back to the states.  I tried to avoid the chaos of camp as much as possible.  I don't like being a bossy leader for 10 days especially when I knew today would be the day that I'd just snap.  Nobody needed that to happen, especially not me!

Closing ceremonies went great. The BBQ was delicious! The kids all left pretty much on time.  Cleaning happened fast.  Evening meeting took forever but it was fantastic to just relax w/ everyone.  And now I'm all showered and writing this since there will not be another post for the next 10 days I'm guessing.

I'll post pictures later of the past 2 days.  We had a fireworks show put on by the American boys that was pretty legit.  And closing ceremonies and the pictures we take w/ the kids are always fun to show off.  Those will come.  Just not tonight.  Tonight is my blunt post about the reality of me living in East Asia.

I'm scared.  My mom keeps asking if I want to just go home w/ them and of course part of me knows how much easier that would be, BUT I know I'm supposed to be here.  Sleep deprivation, stress, chaos of leading camp, missing home, all of that factors in to me losing focus sometimes and when I do it's so easy to question why I'm here.  But I know why I'm here and I have to just remind myself of that every day.  I'm not here for me.  I'm not here for anyone around me.  I'm here to answer a calling and through that it will all be ok.  I'll figure out life.  I'll create my space that feels like home.  I'll learn enough language to get around (and hopefully more than that).  And according to everyone here, I'll have more friends than I'll know what to do with.  I say bring it on!

Hopefully this holds everyone over for a bit.  After this next English camp we'll see how I adjust to life on my own in East Asia.  Those posts should be much more entertaining.  I'm sure I'll have some adventures to share.

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