Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Homesick

Yup. It has happened...

[Sorry to my parents for having to find this out on my blog... but if I admitted it over skype I'd just cry more than I want to, therefore I avoided that. I'm good at avoiding things, unfortunately.]

This week has been rough for me.  Few people have heard about it, which made me realize something I really don't like about myself.  I'm one of those people who likes to make my life seem perfect.  I don't like being weak.  I don't like crying.  I don't like sharing what's difficult for me because I feel like I'm complaining.  Part of this is because I know that once I verbalize these things it gives life to them, it makes them feel more real.  That's probably a good thing.  I know.  Confront the problem, deal with it head on.  Well, I don't like to do that.  It means being vulnerable and usually crying: 2 things I'm not too fond of.  UGH.  Life lessons.

It doesn't really help that I let myself get a tad bit behind on lesson planning and grading.  A whole week off meant lazy Hailey which then led to a little stressed Hailey.  So the last 24 hours have consisted of last minute lesson planning and grading whatever 33+28+23 is (those are class sizes for the ones that gave me papers this week).  Lesson learned this week: Don't do that ever again. I now know how important it is to stay on top of things.

Also, not dancing is driving me insane.  I went from being at the studio A LOT to putting on a pair of tap shoes for the first time in 4 months today and that was only to show them off when I skyped my dance girls.  Skyping with them was terrible because of the homesickness, but SO good.  I cannot explain how much I miss that place, those girls, dancing, teaching, choreographing, all of it!

When I came here, I knew I wasn't running away from anything.  When I went to Vanguard, I wanted to get away from Fairfield, away from 'the drama' and have a chance to be independent and just kind of start over.  This time, there was nothing I wanted to get away from.  Things at home were(are) awesome! That's what made it so hard.  I never really felt it til now.  I don't think it's something I could avoid either.  I don't want to be homesick, but I am.  And that annoys me too.  I knew it would happen and I have been paranoid about when it would hit me, and here it is.  I wish it would go away, but it's hard when I have an incredible sister who is blowing up my facebook wall with videos, comments, pictures and everything to remind me how much I miss her, a grandpa who just had a crazy, intense surgery (and is finally home and healthy), tons and tons of people who are supporting me and encouraging me, and girls like this who make me unbelievably grateful for the job I have:

I mean really? Really?  It's crazy, the awesome people I've been blessed with.

On a really random, but exciting note: I'm training myself to like tomatoes.  WHOAH!  If you know me pretty well, you know that I HATE tomatoes.  I think they are awful, slimy, nasty red things that claim to be fruits but in no way deserve to be in that category.  But I'm almost 23 (4 more days) and I feel like adults like tomatoes and they are pretty popular so it's difficult to avoid them.  I'm adding them into things and slowly sneaking them into my mouth and trying not to notice.  I'm alive.  They haven't killed me.  Look at me, I'm growing up... sort of.

Small group starts back up tomorrow, and although I don't feel completely prepared yet, I think it'll be really good.  I need it.

Just to clarify: this isn't homesickness like 'I want to come home, I hate being here'.  It's more of an 'I know I should be here, I love being here, but I miss the comforts of home and I can't wait til the day that I get to experience it all again' kind of homesickness.  It's all a chance to trust in the One who sent me here and remember that I knew I was supposed to come here, I am supposed to be here, and it's a short amount of time in the bigger picture that hopefully is my 100+ year life (yup).

I have a ballet class to attend, so I must be going.  Yes, this ballet class is in my other room where I am the teacher and student all at the same time.  You gotta do what you gotta do.

2 comments:

  1. i like what you shared about running away from something. we can all relate to that. how great that this adventure wasn't running away and givs you something great to miss. you are awesome and the growth from this china chapter is gonna be crazy!! xoxoxo

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  2. you're great and your honesty is great and tomatoes are great.

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